What if I had killed myself?

Well, I would be six feet underground if it wasn’t for life to keep me breathing. There would have been a note, a funeral, cake and everything. You would ask yourselves questions about where it went wrong, what you could have done to save me. Well, nothing but intentionally me, could truly save the old me. “If only she’d known how much we loved her.” Well, yes, that would have… No, joke, it would not have made a difference if I didn’t love myself. And I didn’t, I couldn’t, because I just couldn’t talk…

Up and Down

We all have our own ups and down, we all go through life, all have experience, and all try to survive; I wish all of us did. There is a huge taboo on talking about your inner, deepest and darkest secrets. Believe me, if I told you the lightest of mine, I would be put far, very far away. No one wants to deal with life-threatening situations if they don’t have to.

            The true problem here, let’s be honest, lies not with ‘the dark’ inside our society, but with the society itself. As soon as something smells wrong, we’re labeled and trashed. While, I speak from experience, all we people want is to not even be really understood, we acknowledge the puzzle in our minds, but we only need to be listened to. As though the door is ajar, and we can form the right words when ready. Yet, our society doesn’t give time, it gives bombs; to strap to yourself in the worst cases. Whilst we just ignore the commands we’re given with a question mark. Very subtle, this civilization of ours, don’t you think?

            Serious Business

            There are people walking this earth, proud of their college-knowledge, the degree it got them, but get burn-out because of a lack in experience in their fields. When problems go unnoticed for too long, no one but we, ourselves, can resolve it. No money, no therapy, no friend nor family, couch-potatoing or endless labelling can fight the dark, believe me.

            Thinking about suicide is a serious matter that is often misunderstood. People tend to find it selfish and disappointing; ignorant they point another option, which is to live. If only it could be that easy. Although I know for a fact every single person out there has had these thoughts every some time, we are not allowed to talk about it, or so it seems. Don’t we all get fed up with life somehow, sick of the same stupid routine every single day? It’s normal to lose focus, look past any goal and just don’t understand life for a moment. It’s alright to feel that way. But talk about, and your done. Hospitals, psychologists, medicine, bed-rest, no work in any way and praying for a miracle.

            Puppets

You see, since all of us puppets need to function for our brain-slushed little dollhouse to work the way it’s supposed to, we better not talk about what is going wrong and print the positive in big font. We fool most of all the future, by shoving the left-out percentage towards the next generations, thinking they will solve it with their master-degrees, knowledge of the human body, brain and humor; having no other choice than to fail.

            We’ve played out an impossible path for ourselves, haven’t we here? Shouldn’t we maybe, for once, look at the salty tears instead of the problems of rain? Embrace the sliced blood in contrast to the inconvenient fact that people will be late for work when another HUMAN being jumped in front of a moving vehicle? “Life goes on, time is ticking.” Well, ticking for what? For, at some unavoidable point, every single person working for a living to drop dead as in an epidemic? Because that is where we are heading, here, if we don’t stand still, freeze fictive time and look beside us, around us, anywhere but ahead of us. We already live in the future and so never see today. We are dying in the cruelest way and we do it to ourselves.

            Save it!

We build this society together, so I say we save it together. When someone comes to you with a sad face, tears or a frown, don’t tell them to ‘Talk to a friend’ or ‘See someone professional’, because mostly that way you’ll push them inside the dark box they struggled to get out of and get to you in the first place. People with papers know the books, but don’t dare to see the heart, they know what a pill does to you and decides it must work. We feed the fever with unhealthy behaviour. We sicken the people that need to be saved most.

            I was lucky, I met someone that held me when no one else knew things were bad enough for me to not see any other way out. I planned, thought, planned again, wrote, tried, grabbed courage and then opened up to him. He listened, which was all he had to do, and a block of houses fell off my chest. I could talk to more people, fake-smile less, show stress, show problems and most of all; live.

            Like I said, I was lucky, I had my best friend. Most people feel like a burden already well before that. They think no one will listen, they wish the disease away with hope they don’t have. They hope death with the courage they will keep looking for until dark takes over. If you smell something wrong, notice someone smile too much, feel tears and anger around the kindest person; open your ears and shut your mouth. They’ll ask when they ask. Be the friend they think they don’t have and maybe, maybe you’ll save a little doll, and can we keep the light on. Let the house be warm.

Love, Stephanie Garland

{ Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill, shall be in danger of the judgement. - Matthew 5:21 }

"Before I can live with other folks, I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority's rule is a person's conscience"

~Atticus Finch.~